- Last Updated: 4:56 AM, April 12, 2012
- Posted: 1:06 AM, April 12, 2012
I’m ONTO you, Alec.
This is how true love blossoms — one nasty and pathetic tweet at a time.
In just two days, Alec Baldwin and I have taken our cracked and perverse relationship to the next level.
With passion, pain and a good dose of bloviation on Alec’s part, the supersized Hollywood hunk and I have skipped from flirting to angry romance.
Now, we’ve found our way to an all-out, disturbingly weird and committed obsession.
Oh, Alec! My creepy, and captivating soul mate. I just love it when you play hard to get!
We both know it’s all an act.
This week, Alec and I have grown from strangers to frenemies to symbiotic twins whose stalkerish union knows no limits.
Alec’s titanic temper overwhelms me. His yelling at random flight attendants makes me weak in the knees. His cursing at his young daughter makes me giddy.
And, his absorption with every, last word I’ve written about him makes me hot. It overwhelms me.
I’ll say it again. He completes me!
How else to explain why Alec took to Twitter once again yesterday, like a masochistic businessman to an S&M dungeon?
After flirting hard with me on Tuesday, the “30 Rock’’ god demonstrated his freakishly intense fascination, bordering on unhealthy fixation — with none other than little old me.
In his latest tweets, Alec looked into my eyes. And he talked directly into my soul.
“Andrea Peyser, you are as bad a writer as you are filled with self-hatred,’’ Alec wrote. Wow. This guy really cares about my well-being!
“Go back to Langan’s’’ (a great bar on West 47th Street) “and bring a Strunk and White. ’’ That, by the way, is a stylebook for journalists, y’all.
Oh, Alec. The order of protection is on its way to you in the mail.
As Alec and I know, he just can’t get enough of me and my column.
Sweet Alec is quite a busy guy.
Alec’s day is jampacked with making a TV show, as well as torturing a Canadian alleged stalker. Alec had pretty, thin Genevieve Sabourin, 40, arrested Sunday after she sent him hundreds of texts and e-mails.
When cops caught up to Sabourin, she told them Alec was her lover and she just wanted to produce a baby Baldwin.
No accounting for taste, I guess.
But Alec, 54, denies he ever saw his superfan naked. He does, however, admit he wined and dined the lady. Twice. In an effort to help her acting career, of course.
I pity Sabourin. How can you blame her for being so smitten with the large and tasty dish of Hollywood handsome that she allegedly followed him from Montreal to New York, just to get close?
And he had her busted.
That’s one way to lose a fan.
Well, Alec is also busy with his new fiancée/budding doormat, Hilaria Thomas. (How’s that working out for you?) Thomas, 28, chimed in on Twitter Tuesday, ripping alleged stalker/Alec dinner date Sabourin as “crazy.’’
Meanwhile, Alec made fun of Sabourin for smiling in court. Classy!
But I know who Alec is daydreaming about.
Alec’s hectic schedule yesterday, spent dodging reporters and complaining about it, was interrupted by another tweet. About me!
“This just in: Andrea Peyser is joining the cast of the Today Show,’’ he wrote, after employees of the program camped out in front of his house. Or, as he put it, they “stalked’’ him.
Honestly Alec. Who’s stalking whom now? Well, I wasn’t anywhere near East 10th Street yesterday. But it was clear Alec badly wants to see me at his doorstep. Do I have something to fear?
Alec has long history of bullying women and other hated mortals. In 1998, he screamed on Conan O’Brien’s show, “We should stone [Republican congressman] Henry Hyde to death, and we would go to their homes and we’d kill their wives and their children!’’
Nine years later, he railed that his then-11-year-old daughter, Ireland, was a “thoughtless little pig’’ who needed to be “straightened out.’’
When the girl was 14 in 2010, Alec told the child, scarred by his earlier outburst, that he was going to commit suicide by taking pills. Then he hung up the telephone and wouldn’t pick it back up.
When Ireland frantically asked cops to take Alec to the hospital, he grew livid — and blamed his ex-wife, Kim Basinger. Man.
Is Alec Baldwin a miserable human? Or a poor, misunderstood tweet twit who just needs to be worshipped for his great intellect, his political liberalism, his cuddly abs?
Now that I’m on his radar, I’ll watch what I say.